I almost titled it, “Scans tomorrow”, but just realized it’s almost tomorrow already, so that would be confusing. And speaking of confusing, I didn’t mean to be vague about my scan dates in my last post. I just said they’d be “at the end of the month,” and as a lot of folks are preparing to turn the page on their calendars, I’ve started getting inquiries as to whether I’ve had my scans yet. Fear not gentle reader, I did not have my scans and forget to post the results, I just haven’t had them yet. Sorry about the confusion.
So yes, I head to Mayo tomorrow for a full day of fun – 5 appointments spread from 7:45 to 4:15 (and that last one is the MRI, so I don’t think we’ll be leaving until at least 5:30). We’re back at 7:30 Wednesday for one more exam, then finally results from the doctor, followed later in the day by one more appointment, after which we will hopefully be skipping happily back to Lakeville with good news to report. Two very early mornings, but I haven’t been sleeping much, so it’s fine.
I’ll be honest, this past week has been tough. Directing Godspell was a fantastic distraction, but as soon as it ended, the reality of what was coming hit me hard. And I didn’t even realize it at first. I actually thought I was doing pretty well, but then I found myself getting very snappy and irritable, my jaw and my neck started to ache again and I wasn’t sleeping. And the sleep deprivation and stress combo hasn’t exactly given me the grace of a gazelle, let me tell you (not that I have any inherent coordination usually, but most of the time I fake it well. Not this last week, and I have the bruises and scrapes to prove it). So yeah, we need to get these scans done and get on with life.
I know scans are going to be a big deal every time I have them, but I feel like these ones are particularly important. Because clean scans will mean that every little ache and twinge I’ve felt over the last few months are merely that, aches and twinges. It’s easy to start to panic that any random pain or discomfort is a sign that the cancer is spreading, and as much as I have tried not to succumb to the gravitational pull of hypochondria, well, I have to admit I’ve gone there a few times.
Me: Rich, I’ve had this side stitch feeling for a while now. I’m worried.
Me: Because it’s on my right side! And that’s where the liver is, I googled it!
Me: What if it’s the cancer spreading?
Rich: What if it’s gas? You’ve been eating a lot of vegetables…
This crazy woman who has taken over my body needs to leave. I hope to be evicting her on Wednesday.
It’s really amazing though how many wonderful people I have surrounding me and my family right now, despite the presence of the crazy lady. Seriously, not a single one of them has fearfully snatched up their small children and run away. I mean I understand that crazy can be entertaining, but these folks are here out of love, I know it. And that is a very cool, very reassuring thing.
I included a picture from Godspell (and if I had any technical ability at all I’d have it inserted here, but honestly I’m just happy I successfully uploaded the picture). I wasn’t sure when I was diagnosed if I should stay on as director or not, but I’m so glad I did. The show, and the amazing people involved with it, blessed me more than I can say.
If you are inclined to pray, I would ask for your prayers Tuesday and Wednesday. Prayers for safe travel back and forth to Mayo (they’re seriously predicting snow. Seriously.), for scans to show that the tumor is responding to the radiation and that the cancer has not spread, and most of all for peace as we wait.
Thank you all for your love, support and grace,
The crazy lady